Confronting My Sanity, My Religion, and My Innocence

(or rather, the loss of all 3)

If you had asked me 10 years ago, ‘where would you be in 10 years’, I never would have thought it’d involve me developing a website dedicated to exposing corruption and preaching about Love and Forgiveness, and speaking about Jesus Christ.

I was off in my own blissful bubble; appreciating the life around me, raising my child, enjoying my job, delving into my hobbies – not a care in the world.

I was happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still appreciate my life. I feel happiness during certain times. I enjoy those little moments that we shouldn’t take advantage of but some do anyway.

But there is a stark difference between how I used to fall asleep at night – with what used to be a peaceful slight small smile on my lips, to praying every single night for Jesus Christ to return, sometimes crying myself to sleep.

Recently I’ve had to confront the fact that my life is not the way it used to be before. Not just from a normal part of aging, or growing up, or experience… but from the realization that everything I once thought was real/true, may not be true after all. And the fact that my eyes have been opened into seeing all of the atrocities going on in the world, and it has forced me to come to terms that I need to question everything – even things that were so deeply ingrained in me, but now I realize that it may be at the heart of the matter after all.

Questioning my sanity

As I go deep into some of these rabbit holes – CIA’s Operation Mockingbird, the vaccine/pharma agenda, religion vs. atheism vs. spirituality, freemasons/illuminati, Bilderberg group, the Holocaust, the “great reset”, nwo, etc., etc., etc., it’s made me address the very real possibility that most of what I “KNOW”, is merely all lies and falsehoods.

With a governmental agenda to literally get all Americans to believe that everything is a lie, how do we know, FOR SURE, what is real and what is propagandized?

Whether it’s due to hyper-paranoidism, or perhaps just a better understanding now of how “the world” works, I have come to the point where I actually don’t know what to believe anymore, and I doubt that most of what we are taught through history, in schools, etc. is true. I have come to the point where I honestly think that most of our lives is built on lies – ESPECIALLY when it comes to the government, religion, economics, wars, education…

As I have dug deeper into several institutions and what I DO believe is our actual history, there is only one thing really that connects everything.

And that’s our origins, our beginnings, our belief systems, religion, spirituality, the idea of a God or several gods. This is, as it seems, the core of all of our struggles today.

We may not realize it. In fact, I think billions of people DON’T realize it. They are still in the blissful, and/or unacknowledged matrix that I found myself in 10 years ago. They may know, instinctively, that something is wrong. But they can’t put their finger on it and they dismiss this feeling as an uncomfortable sensation that is better to just tune out than to confront it.

But due to certain circumstances that was actually out of my control, I ended up choosing to confront this uncomfortable awareness. Or rather, I was FORCED to do it.

Thus it led me on a downward spiral that revealed what may be the truth of the matter after all. And as such, my mind has a hard time comprehending it all and sometimes I even question myself on what if everything I’m researching is false. What if my own thoughts is false and I’m feeding into the misinformation campaign? I have actually been GASLIGHTING myself that what I am now coming to believe may not be true after all.

I think it’s an attempt at trying to rationalize all of this information away. What if I’M the one being misled and the world isn’t the way I have come to understand it? But I know that this is just a cop-out and a way of trying to lead me back “into the world”.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the source of our problems.

Losing (changing?) my religion…

“18 If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. 19 If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.”John 15:18-19

This verse seems to be the core of what’s going on in the world. “The world” in this context, I believe, is referring to the worldly system set up – not the world as in the planet Earth. It is the whole societal structure that has been set up in an attempt to keep us all in line, and chasing the all-mighty dollar.

It involves the educational institutions, the medical/health industries, politics, economics, financial institutions, trade, stock market… and yes, most of all, RELIGION.

To understand this in better context, you HAVE to come to terms with the idea that there are, indeed, secret societies that exist. Once you can understand this concept, this notion not only becomes believable, but it practically leads all roads down this path and everything starts making sense.

I have touched upon this subject before, but imagine our beginnings, our ancestors, our ACTUAL history. Where did we come from? Imagine if there was a group of people that retained their knowledge of our actual heritage… And what if some of these very same people described in these texts, are still deadset in their ways – and refuse to acknowledge The One, True, Supreme Creator? What if, they are exactly what the Bible describes as those “of the world”?

“23 And He said to them, “You are from beneath; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world. 24 Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for if you do not believe that I am He, you will die in your sins.”John 8:23-24

“43 Why do you not understand My speech? Because you are not able to listen to My word. 44 You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it. 45 But because I tell the truth, you do not believe Me. 46 Which of you convicts Me of sin? And if I tell the truth, why do you not believe Me? 47 He who is of God hears God’s words; therefore you do not hear, because you are not of God.” – John 8:43-47

Now, this is where things get tricky. I usually say something like the following, “I am not religious. But I am spiritual.”

And it’s been something that I’ve actually come to terms with that I don’t belong to one set religion. And that the battle we’re facing is a spiritual warfare. I still hold to that mindset. I also subscribe to the belief that the things of the material world are meant to lead us astray. The “world” that we should be following is Jesus Christ and the teachings of Love and Forgiveness; a divine/holy way of living. Not of things “of the world”. And that includes this whole societal construct most of us are living in right now.

And during my studies through Genesis, couldn’t help but notice the focus that the Lord is making towards wealth, land, nations, kingdoms, etc. …In my view of God, this does not fit. Now, I don’t want to be presumptuous and say that I know who/what God is, but in my heart, I feel as if the God that I am familiar with would not care about material wealth/possessions. It has rather been hard for me to get through this doctrine. So after doing some more research on this matter, came across a group known as the Cathars.

“Of themselves they say: “We are the poor of Christ, who have no fixed abode and flee from city to city like sheep amidst wolves, are persecuted as were the apostles and the martyrs, despite the fact that we lead a most strict and holy life, persevering day and night in fasts and abstinence, in prayers, and in labour from which we seek only the necessities of life. We undergo this because we are not of this world. But you, lovers of the world, have peace with it because you are of the world. False apostles, who pollute the word of Christ, who seek after their own interest, have led you and your fathers astray from the true path. We and our fathers, of apostolic descent, have continued in the Grace of God and shall so remain to the end of time. To distinguish between us and you Christ said “By their fruits you shall know them”. Our fruits consist in following the footsteps of Christ.”

– Source: Cathars and Cathar Beliefs in the Languedoc | Cathar Beliefs

“Cathar theology was essentially Gnostic in nature. They believed that there were two “gods”—one malevolent and one good. The former was in charge of all visible and material things and was held responsible for all the atrocities in the Old Testament. The benevolent god, on the other hand, was the one the Cathars worshipped and was responsible for the message of Jesus. Accordingly, they made every effort to follow the teachings of Jesus as closely as possible.”

– Source: Cathars & Albigenses: What Was Catharism?

This is fascinating to me. While I was researching Genesis, the incredible focus on land, wealth, material possessions, the aroma of burnt offerings pleasing the Lord… just did not resonate with me. I entertained the idea, “What if the God of the Old Testament is different than the God of the New Testament?” I know this is seen as highly blasphemous by a lot of those following Christianity, and again, I am not Christian, per se, but I do whole-heartedly believe in and love Jesus Christ.

So seeing a group known as the Cathars – who were “all” wiped out, incidently – referring to the Old Testament as having a God different than that of the New Testament, blew my mind. And that their stance about the material world being one of evil inclinations and temptations, and the way to divinity is to live in pure, kind compassion with each other and nature – COMPLETELY resonated with me.

Am I a Cathar and am just now learning about it?

Even more interesting, is coming across a prophecy that the very last Cathar made before he was burned alive (since all the Cathars were considered heretics – albeit, to cover up a different reason why they were genocided…)

“In 700 years, when the laurel grows green again” – Guilhem de Belibaste

Historical documentations point to Guilhem de Belibaste being burned allegedy on August 21, 1321 – although that specific date has been debated. But 1321 has been widely accepted and not contested. So if this date is correct, then of course the prophecy points to the year 2021 as being “when the laurel grows green again”.

But what does that mean, exactly? Again, that is up for debate. And no one really knows if this prophecy will come true as it is, and even if it does, what it will entail. So perhaps it is an obscure statement that could apply to a wide variety of possibilities, and it may not even be noticeable at the moment. But if it means what many people think it does, then it would seem a worldwide revival of the Cathar belief system, whether they consciously realize it or not, may be in effect.

Once you lose your innocence, you can’t get it back.

(Or can you?)

When I went down the rabbit hole and started questioning my own sanity and my religion, I realized something that really struck me at what was wrong with how I intrinsically felt inside.

It was the dawning awareness that my naivete, my innocence, my open-eyed wonder of the world, had come to an abrupt halt, and I was now looking at the grim reality around me. The reality that the world that most people strive to be a part of, one that I used to want to be a part of, is one full of traps, pitfalls, wicked deeds that are now being passed off as “good”, and a systematic powerhouse of leading us away from our true purpose.

Once my eyes opened to all of this deception, the lies, the fraud – most of it pointing to a huge spiritual upset – the sorrow that I felt since I knew that my life would never be the same and I would never get back that child-like innocence, swallowed me and left me feeling alone and desolate, and a yearning for the ways that it used to be.

But then, after struggling with this inner turmoil, I came to the resolution that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, at least, I am awakening to the horrible atrocities that are committed just to keep the rest of us in the dark. I can step off of this worldly platform and fully dedicate myself to Jesus Christ and His teachings, knowing that I’m doing the right thing. Perhaps this is what must be done in order to raise people’s awareness and spread the message that the spiritual warfare is real, and goes deeper and darker than we think.

Maybe by putting aside this naive gullibility and innocent outlook towards the world, thinking that all of these material enhancements are for our benefit, we can shift our focus onto nature and our true roots – our soul and connection to the Creator.

Although I lost my innocence as a blissfully unaware human, just living my life as best as I can, I have gained an understanding and desire to strive for the Truth, and step out of this harmful paradigm of perpetuating division and materialistic pursuits.

I have asked myself, even though my innocence has been shattered, is there a way I can piece it back together? Not by ignoring all of the situations around us, but by slowly picking up all of these pieces and acknowledging that I can still enjoy the small things in life? The soothing sound of rain falling… A genuine smile from a loved one or stranger… A sweet video of a random act of kindness – or especially initiating the act of kindness ourself…

Maybe I’ve lost my sanity 😛 , maybe even changed my “religion” (although I’m not sure about that yet), and lost my innocence, but I do still have hope and the belief that things will work out in the end anyway. My motto, besides “Love and Forgive”, is “Jesus wins”. So no matter how much darkness seems to surround us, I have faith that “the world” will come to terms to its reality eventually and get back on the right track.

With that being said, my life may not be the same as it was before. And I may miss it at times, but to me, this just means that I’m heading in the right direction.

“20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:20-24

Featured image by msandersmusic from Pixabay

2 thoughts on “Confronting My Sanity, My Religion, and My Innocence”

  1. Hi ,
    Well Here’s my Thoughts ,
    The Bible is A Book of Parables ,
    The Parables Are A Puzzle To Figure Out.
    My Thoughts On Genesis :
    But Before I say my thoughts , I want to point out ya have To Remember The First 5 Books of The Bible and Revelations are written by The Jews.
    Chapter 1 of Genesis Says: God made male and female in His Image.
    Chapter 2 of Genesis Says: Lord God Made Adam From The Dust and Then God put Adam to sleep and took a rib from Adam and Made Eve.
    Lord is A Title.
    It Says and Lord God Told Abraham To Put His Son On The Alter.
    Some bibles that were written in The 1970s and 1980s Say: And Devil was In Bush and Told Abraham To Put His Son On The Alter.
    Revelations says: Lord OF Lord’s and
    King OF Kings. “To me that’s talking about Jesus as Lord OF Lord’s and King OF Kings.”
    I also Believe The Devil Had Lineage.
    Here’s A Link that Explains The Devil’s Lineage.

    http://www.williambranham.com/the-original-sin/

    I heard and believe the Apple was Sex / Fornication.
    Fruit doesn’t make you Realize you’re naked , But The Sinful Act OF Fornication opened their eyes to hide their bodies with Fig Leaves.
    Eve’s Punishment Was : Pain During Child Birth and For Every Generational Offspring to bear pain during childbirth..
    Book of John says: Ch 8 verse 44 : and you are just like your Father , full of lies and deceit.
    There are clues to See The Truth.
    Me I first questioned IS The Earth Controlled by An Elite Group of Men / People / People who might just be heartless or mean , heartless as no empathy.
    I questioned this In First Grade Spring , 2bd Semester, I was about 7 years old.
    2 stories Stuck Out to me way to much , I grabbed a hold of those 2 stories and Really Thought Super Duper hard,, I was the youngest of an older sister and 2 older brothers.
    I knew about Jesus and the Cross from seeing Jesus in church, I really didn’t know about Adam and eve until 2nd grade or 3rd grade.
    But 1 of the things that stuck put to me , That told me The World is Controlled is
    The Treatment OF The Native American Indians.
    1) They were given blankets with Smallpox either on purpose or accident.
    2) Majority OF The Buffalo Were Slaughtered.
    3) This I Noticed Was Done On Purpose :
    Because IF Everyone else Learned How to live off the land like the native American Indians , Then the bankers wouldn’t OF Been Able To Control The Masses of people who weren’t native American Indians.
    The other was :
    The Crucifixion OF Jesus.
    I didn’t realize at first that Jesus was killed and died for our sins.
    I’m talking when I first heard of Jesus dying on the Cross , I thought He was killed on purpose and was dead,, and I hated the killers of Jesus,
    Then someone informed me the same day or couple days later that Jesus Died For Our Sins and Was Resurrected From The Dead.
    I learned about the Rock blocking the Cave,
    And witnesses seeing Jesus after the Burial.
    ,,,
    Now I am definitely a Jesus believer ,,

    1. Hi Jimmy, thanks for the reply!

      I do agree with you that there are hidden secrets in the Bible and that we were misled, basically, into believing that the “Lord/God” of the Old Testament is the same one as the one that Jesus Christ follows. During my research, I’m coming to the conclusion that they are two separate entities. And it’s interesting that you bring up the Old Testament which many say that the Jews follow, and the correlation that many groups say that they don’t follow the New Testament. (If we’re to believe this part of their history – because honestly, I think certain groups DO deliberately put falsehoods into their religion in order to deceive outliers that would try to decipher their actual religion.) So why would they believe in the Old Testament God, but not in the New Testament God? At least, not the Messianic Jews. I’ve read that the Messianic Jews do in fact believe that Jesus Christ is their savior.

      It’s a very confusing rabbit hole to go down. And I’ve always entertained the thought about Abraham’s burning bush as being a deception that Abraham thought was from God, but came from the devil instead. Because it’s a difficult thing for me to comprehend how Christian apologetics could defend this notion. I’ve read the reasons, the excuses, the theories – but my opinion is still one of skepticism against defending this concept.

      I wish I had gained the kind of insight you did when you were that young. There was a moment in my youth in which I did question the division and the hatred that gets perpetrated to keep us fighting each other, but then I became indoctrinated into that system until I finally broke out many years later. Now I devote myself to Christ and realize that Love and Forgiveness is the key to breaking out of this system.

      That’s heartbreaking about the treatment of the Indians. And the Aboriginals. And whomever else’s cultures got destroyed by these sinister groups. It’s also a way for them to control the narrative and try to prevent the truth from coming out. Because I believe these ancient cultures still retain the knowledge of their ancestors and know the truth of this planet. Yet like you said, the world is under control of the “elite”, and they want the power and wealth and land all for themselves.

      Thank you again for your reply. I appreciate all these insights and gives me further digging to look into.
      God bless!

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