Why I Believe, What I Believe

Personal Experiences.

Have you ever asked yourself why you believe what you believe? (If you believe in anything at all?)

Why do I feel as if the metaphysical holds secrets (and answers!) important for the human being to seek?

Due to a few incredible and unexplainable events in my life, I wanted to make a list highlighting why I believe that this physical world should be working WITH the spiritual on our path to “enlightenment”, “bliss”, “peace”, etc. When we stray away from our naturally inclined spiritual side, we move further and further away from the truth of who really are.

I propose, that to search for the spiritual (as long as one does it carefully and prayerfully) will lead us closer to the answer that we seek (even if we don’t think we’re seeking anything) and fill the void that seems to be pervading a lot of society.

People regularly turn to alcohol, drugs, porn, video games, drama, social media, etc., etc., etc., perhaps because it gives them a momentary reprieve from their everyday life. It’s a form of imagined comfort/solace, because afterwards some of these vices gives people a sense of guilt/shame… and then they turn back to the very thing that caused these negative emotions to begin with, to drown it back out – and the tragic cycle continues.

If you’re one of those that turn to physical gratification – food, drugs, companionship, alcohol, etc. – please keep in mind that this is part of the system to try and keep us trapped in our endlessly seeking for that fill in the hole of ourselves. We feel empty, hollow, and these substances and hobbies may temporarily fill it, but it doesn’t last, and then we’re back to feeling incomplete and lost again.

People may scoff at this idea, but this power structure has been implemented for several millennia. When people start to realize that the world is composed of “energy”, “vibration”, “consciousness”, we may be on the right path to turning this world around and focusing on what really matters.

Which brings me to the experiences I’ve had that have led me to this conclusion.

I’ve written before about some of them, but I wanted to put most of the significant events all in one post to show the timeline and development of the spiritual thought process that I, personally have gone through, and believe anyone and everyone can attain. All it requires is a seeking mind.

If some still remain hard-hearted, it may have been due to their own stubbornness – and God knows what’s inside our hearts.

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.
1 Corinthians 4:5
The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
2 Corinthians 4:4

While some people may seem closed-off and highly skeptical (I was one of them), God ultimately knows who will come around and He will lead the way – as long as you are earnest and sincere in your heart. Those that will continuously refuse to seek the truth (or perhaps they KNOW the truth and still turn their back to it), and remain in their sinful lifestyle, will face the repercussions when their time comes. This isn’t meant to fear-monger, but just a simple statement of one’s own decision to reject the Life they could have had. And we have to be aware, as the verse above states, some people may never come around and believe in the Truth – so some may be lost to their own fates.

Whether that is true or not, my efforts are to keep trying to bring people around and let them know that there’s so much to look to other than the physical aspect of things.

Thankfully, although I was a closed-off skeptic and scoffed at the Bible at one stage in my life, my heart was in the right place, and I believe because of that, I had help to lead me to keep searching.

Here is an ascending list (not exhaustive, as there were several others that have led me here) that gave me a huge wake-up call and made me realize that we’re not alone – and that there’s so much more to life than what we’ve been led to believe.

First: The Answer to Everything

One of the most major events in my life gave me a kickstart into believing that the physical Earth isn’t all there is in the world. I was a kid during this time. This was during the beginning of me experimenting with out of body experiences / astral projection – so I am unsure if the obe’s came first, or if this particular event happened first. But I remember a moment when I was asking a particular question in my head, a really innocuous one at that, and before I knew it, I had a HUGE flash of insight. EVERYTHING came to me all at once. The answers to EVERYTHING.

I can’t even explain how incredible this event was. This flash of insight only lasted a split-second, and then it was gone – but during it I literally had the answer to anything and everything. It was fascinating. Unfortunately, I couldn’t retain any of the information since it was so quick, but it left an ever-lasting impression on me. And that was the first major event for me that led me to keep searching for the Truth.

I wish I could remember if this incident came before or after my attempts at obe’s, but alas, I cannot. I think it would help paint a clearer picture of how my mind became open to the possibilities of the spiritual side. And I also wonder if I may have had a very quick glimpse into the Akashic records, but cannot say for certain what it was.

(You can read more about this experience here, which details this and some of the other accounts on this list in more detail.)

Second: A Polite Ghost?

This happened at a friend’s house; I was sleeping over. I was in the guest bedroom, getting ready to go to sleep. I had not yet crossed that threshold between wakefulness and sleep, so this was not a hallucination or hypnagogic imagery of any kind. I was fully awake at this point and quite lucid.

As I was laying on one side of the bed, as is my custom, I could not get comfortable. I was shifting, turning, laying on one of my sides to the next, trying to get into a comfortable position. Again I want to reiterate that I was only on one side of the bed, just twisting and turning on that same side.

Well, after a couple more minutes of shifting myself, I suddenly heard a voice right next to me say, “Fine, I’ll move, okay?” and as I looked to the other side of the bed, where I hadn’t been at all, I could see an indent on the pillow right next to where I was laying my own head.

I have to be clear. The indent was not from myself. I was only using up one side of the bed/one side of the pillow. Wherever this other voice came from, I could quite plainly see another indent where “he/it” was laying. I was shocked and almost terrified, but after the voice said he would move, I instantly felt comfortable and more at ease. Whatever this presence was, didn’t feel malevolent, and in fact I was probably honing in on his space since I had never slept in that room before. I was the one invading his space, apparently.

Well, after this presence left, since I didn’t feel any malignant energy from it, I laid back down and went to sleep. It was fascinating to me though that while I was essentially the unwelcome visitor, the “ghost” was pleasant enough to allow me to sleep there peacefully. I didn’t ask my friend about it because she was already a high-strung person and I didn’t want to alarm her with what seemed to be a relatively benign presence. Not sure if she would have believed me anyway.

Third: Outside Influence

During this time, although I have already some interesting, unexplainable experiences under my belt, I was still incredibly cynical and angry at God and other people. All I could see around me were injustices, selfishness, contradictions, hypocrites – I was fed up.

This experience helped to completely turn my life around.

I was working in a retail store, and getting really frustrated with a customer. She was not understanding a single word I was telling her, and she kept repeating the same questions over and over and over again. I was reaching my limit. After telling her probably around 15 times the answer to her question, I was getting extremely abrupt and rude to her and was just about to walk away from her. But then, a clear, concise, non-judgmental voice entered my head:

“She has early Alzheimer’s.”

That’s all the voice told me. I KNOW for a fact it didn’t come from me, because I was so set in my bitter thoughts and irritation at this lady that there was no place for “rational” thoughts. All my thoughts were anger and annoyance. After I heard this voice and understood the situation, I treated the lady much better and patiently and was able to help her through her purchase. Then she thanked me for being so kind to her (although just a few minutes ago I was quite rude and condescending), which made me feel worse and more aware of the way I was treating her.

After she left, I went into the backroom and cried for a good 15 minutes. It was my first encounter with a “voice” that did not come from me (or maybe it my Higher self?) leading me to choosing the right path. As I wrote here:

“I probably cried and sobbed for a good fifteen minutes just wondering what it was that happened to me and how I became the way I was. I was ashamed at the way I treated the lady; I was ashamed that it took a voice from an unknown being telling me the situation because I was too dense to figure it out myself. It shook me to the core.”

It was the moment that really cemented the notion that there was so much more to life and that there really were other “beings”, “guides” that were trying to help us navigate this life. And it also made me retrospect on myself and the way I handled things in the past.

Fourth: Is Remote Viewing Real?

I was at the same company and bored out of my mind. So I imagined myself at a popular tourist spot just to get away from the mundane, plain area I was in at the moment. It was more of a daydream trying to imagine what it would be like to be outside, in the fresh air, under the sun, taking in the sights, etc.

I thought nothing of it, until about a couple of hours later a lady came in and asked me, “You look familiar. Didn’t I just see you?” I said, “I don’t think so. I’ve been here all day.” and she was like, “No, I could’ve sworn I just saw you. Weren’t you at “Popular Tourist Spot?”

While I knew I was just imagining myself there earlier, obviously I wasn’t there in person, so I had no idea what to say. I was astounded. Maybe this lady saw someone who looked eerily similar to me, or maybe she could see an imprint of my energy focusing in that exact area or something. But the eerie coincidence and the timing of it blew me away. She even said the person she saw was dressed exactly like me. Could she possibly be more intuned than she thought, and could I have unknowingly sent my astral body out there to escape my physical confinement?

I can’t say for sure, I just know that it was another incident which made me question our worldly life and the possibilities that lay within.

Fifth: To Forgive, or Not To Forgive

This happened in 2010. And is another incident that I related in another post.

I won’t go into much detail here, since I’ve already outlined what I experienced (What is the Universe Trying to Tell Us?), but it was such a turning point for me and was one of the main messages that I always try to adhere to (much harder to do than to just say…).

For a quick rundown, while waking – I could feel the vibrations that I’m familiar with in order to attempt obe’s, lucid dreams, astral projection, etc. Well, along with these vibrations I could also hear, telepathically, a man’s voice asking me who I would forgive. If I responded with a “yes”, I could feel my vibrations getting stronger. If I responded with a “no”, then the vibrations would fade and get weaker.

After the “test” it occurred to me that I was supposed to reply back with all ‘yeses’. But as a moral human being, it’s hard for me to really feel that I have that capacity. I’m still trying to learn that it’s not my place to judge and that I don’t understand each individual case, so I am trying to leave my personal biases behind and become more of a compassionate and unconditional soul. (Again, much harder than it sounds, but I am trying.)

It makes me wonder why I was being tested in this way. And the feeling that I took away from it is that I could have done better. I wish I could say I have evolved significantly since then, but the truth is it’s still hard for my heart to truly forgive someone who knows that they are doing wrong, and won’t stop. I keep praying and asking for more help in this regard, also questioning what this entity wants from me, and the only takeaways I have is “forgive” and “love”.

Sixth: Inner Battle

This experience was also recounted here, same as the third event on this list.

It was literally a battle between good and evil. …Well, not really. But it was a battle of wits, between the “good” angel, and the “devil” on the shoulder.

I was at an atm machine, and realized that 60$ was still in the machine. There was literally an inner battle within me as to whether to take the money, or turn it in. (I already knew which decision I was going to make straight off the bat, so it made it even more interesting that I could hear these inner “voices” – consciousness, maybe? – trying to lead me to the wrong or right choice.)

I also had my son with me at the time, and I wanted to set a good example for him. Of course, that’s not the only or main reason, because I was already morally ethically inclined to return the money, but because I was so aware of the fact that I could actually hear these two voices, it made me pause for a second at the fascinating debate going on that was relatively outside of me, but within me at the same time.

And I do want to note, the “good” angel was a much quieter voice, so the “evil” one was more forceful, aggressive and loud. That voice could be heard loud and clear. The quieter voice was still, calm and in the background – as if trying to guide carefully and not wanting to put pressure on the final choice.

This was an enlightening experience to me, because it was the first (and only, at the moment) that I could actually hear an inner debate going on in my head between the right and wrong path. This dichotomy of good and evil warring for one’s very soul has been depicted throughout the ages, but to actually hear it going on within me, was an amazing revelation.

Seventh: The Meaning of Life

– Love is the Answer.
– Love Heals.
– Meditate on Love.

These were the signs I received after I heard an inner voice within me giving me the answer to the question I was contemplating earlier that day.

I was at a really low point in my life, and I remember just standing in the living room, and asking myself, “What’s the point? What’s the meaning of all of this?”

And that’s when this voice, whether it was my Higher Self, a different being, etc., simply say, “Love.” That’s all this voice said.

I scoffed at the time and challenged this voice, basically saying, “Prove it. If “Love” is the meaning to life, then give me a sign. Not just one sign. I want to see the word ‘love’, three times, TODAY.”

And sure enough, I got my signs. This was another account which I related here (What is the Universe Trying to Tell Us?) in more detail.

Now I know some people may say that because I was basically looking out for the signs, I made a specific effort to come across it. But I did not. As a matter of fact, I was almost in a stubborn mindset trying to deliberately be blasé about the whole ordeal. I was not looking for the sign, and I was not hiding from it. I was just letting whatever happen, happen. I figure if it was a real sign, then I wouldn’t need to actively look for it, which would obviously skewer my outlook on life.

But these signs came on unexpectedly, and the last one threw me for a loop, and really made me face the music that I really did hear this voice tell me that ‘love’ is the answer. Which is why my main key messages throughout this website is devoted to ‘forgiveness’ and ‘love’. Whoever, whatever this/these entities are, it has been leading me to the “right” path, and thankfully it has reached out to me, and thankfully I was receptive to these messages.

Eigth: Dream Guide

While I have had more experiences that have led me to my current lifestyle and belief system, I wanted to add this one last event that happened recently to help expand upon what is possible when we open up our mind and thoughts to getting insights from other avenues.

Not too long ago, I wrote this post: Is the Dome/Firmament Over Earth Real? to touch upon the interesting theory that no one has ever left Earth. (Despite what NASA and other space programs may have us believe.) There are some possible connections to Antarctica, and the huge ice wall that allegedly surrounds us.

Now, the dream I had the other night (3/25/2021) actually proposed an idea that hadn’t even occurred to me.

In the dream, at first there was a man in a jail cell. The cell surrounded him with metal bars on all four sides and above. I’ll call this gentleman a “dream guide” – I’ve had dreams of him before, and am reluctant to call him a dream guide, but have settled on that terminology for now.

I was there too, on the outside of the jail and asking him questions. Before I knew it, he had teleported me into the jail cell with him. Now I knew that he could get out if he wanted, and he could get me back out if he wanted, but I was stuck there without his help. Unless I could somehow dig under the cell.

Then the dream changed and now I’m in an extensively icy field, snow and ice all around, perhaps Antarctica, and I could see some people digging into the snow/ice. I realize that they are the researchers/scientists trying to study this place. Well, then my “guide” asks me, “What do you think they’re doing there?” and it occurs to me, at least in my dream, that they’re trying to dig under the dome/firmament. Since they couldn’t leave Earth from the sky, they were going to try and dig underneath.

The jail cell dream, and the Antarctica/firmament one, were both connected – and my dream guide was connecting these two ideas to present a different outlook as to what may be happening.

I found it fascinating, that I hadn’t even considered digging under the dome, until these dreams led me to this conclusion. Whether it’s real or not, the possibility that this may very well be what’s being attempted in real life, is a very interesting theory to consider.

All of these different experiences I’ve had have helped shaped myself and my own beliefs, and opened my eyes and led me to this journey of searching for the Truth. I have to say, it is an ongoing effort, as it seems that when I come across one possible key to finding the truth, it actually leads me into a rabbit hole so deep, that it ultimately becomes too confusing for words and I actually have to step away to gather my bearings and come back to it at a later time.

It is an ever-growing pursuit, and even though so many roads lead to so many different places, the point is to keep searching and keep an open mind and heart to finding the answer. All I know for sure is that ‘love’ and ‘forgiveness’ are two of the most important aspects to aspire to. Anything beyond that, as long as it is being done with a sincere and open heart – even if one is misled – will eventually bring them back on track and help them find more of their spirituality instead of leaving one focusing too much on the physical. Our purpose here has been tainted by materialism and division. We need to look, not only beyond our physical form, but within our spiritual form.

Those who refuse to believe there is anything more than the physical life, if they are too set in their ways, will sadly be lost to their own conscious beliefs – something that I was close to becoming. If it weren’t for all the help I received and myself finally shedding my rebellious and stubborn side, I would more than likely still be a skeptical, negative, cynical human being. Because of the outside help and the help I’ve received from within, I have now been on this incredible exploration and fully realize that there is much more to “life” than what it seems.

If anyone has any questions and would like to know more, please contact me or leave a comment. I would be happy to address any questions or concerns you may have. Thanks for reading!

Fact checking is extremely important. I want to reiterate not to take everything at face value; no matter what you read, where you read it from, or who you hear it from. And to be clear, do not rely on “fact checking” websites to give you accurate information either. These are just as likely, (if not even more likely…), to feed false information and false debunking accounts to manipulate the reader. Please take everything into consideration before adhering to a certain narrative – and always keep your mind open to other possibilities.

Fair use disclaimer: Some of the links from this article are provided from different sources/sites to give the reader extra information and cite the sources, but does not necessarily mean that I endorse the contents of the site itself. Additionally, I have tried to provide links to the contents that I used from other sites as an educational and/or entertainment means only; if you feel that any information deserves further citation or request to be clarified, please let me know through the contact page.

Featured image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

Crystal Clear Learning

Why I Believe, What I Believe - Personal Experiences.
Is God calling out to you? | If not, are you SURE? - And if so, are you heeding His call?
Is Unconditional Love Enabling “Wrong” Behavior? - Can we be loving, yet judge at the same time?
Are you in Control of Your Thoughts? - Or do your thoughts control you?
Welcome to the New Year Welcome to 2021 - Have any New Year's resolutions?
The Importance of Raising Vibrations - And why you should try it.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome

Are there times we step out of our “regular personality”?

Are you one of those people that can stay true to yourself no matter if you’re all by yourself or in a group of people? Or do you find yourself adjusting your personality to fit the mold of others?

Have you ever changed your personality to deliberately goad others? Some people change their personality to try and please others. The “people pleaser”. And then others change from a relatively shy person to an outgoing one if the need arises. Once the particular event is over, they revert back to their withdrawn, quiet persona. The same can be said with a person who’s normally outgoing, but shows a timid, quiet side depending on the situation.

Is this simply attributed to the mood we’re in? Perhaps it is still our natural personality, and the mood we’re in dictates what kind of personality trait we’re experiencing at the time. It doesn’t mean our personality is different or has changed, right?

I think there are different factors we have to consider when going into this subject. After all, are any of us truly ourselves at all times? And what does this particular question mean? How do we know our “true personality” to begin with?

Most of the times I like to consider myself a sweet, caring person. Am I like that all the time? Certainly not! I wish I was, but the fact of the matter is that I (as do us all) have a darker, more cynical side that once in awhile comes out. I try to learn after I have these outbursts or thoughts that I’d rather not have, and I think that’s the key. Knowing that we’re not “perfect” but striving to do better each time anyway. Own up to the mishaps, learn from them, but don’t dwell on them. Forgive yourself, and work towards a kinder, more compassionate response next time.

Now, the real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome is deeper than our personalities just not jiving with how we “normally” are. People will have their good days and their bad days. That doesn’t make them a “bad person” or a “good person”. And it certainly doesn’t mean that they have a dissociative identity disorder.

Mr. Nice Guy Turned Bad Boy

My sister has seen the kindest customer day in and day out (a regular) turn into a rude, frustrated individual. She never would have expected this behavior from him, but can she hold it against him? “Normally” he’s kind and sweet, but after one too many orders being wrong and having to wait all the time because he’s the “nice customer”, and a company would rather a nice customer wait than an angry, bitter one, it must have finally crossed his threshold and he let it be known. Even my sister felt bad for him that he had to reach this limit. She didn’t hold it against him, and she even sympathized with him and understood his frustration.

Why do we take advantage of “nice people” in this way? Is it because we “know” that we won’t get retaliated against? That they would just put up with the bad behavior and we’d still have a nice person on our hands? Do people consider these nice, kind people as pushovers that we can just step all over?

Well, in this case, the unintentional neglect went too far and the normally nice customer finally unleashed his suppressed frustration that has undoubtedly accumulated for who knows how many months or even years.

My sister related to me how they were knowingly setting him aside so they could take care of other, more impatient customers. So his eventual outburst was sadly not so surprising. And she felt bad about being an unsuspecting catalyst to his brief transformation.

After his irritated display, he still remained a regular customer and was treated much better after his recent outburst. Sad that it had to come to that, but for some reason, this whole dichotomy of treating angry, bitter people better than polite, respectful ones still remains persistent. Sure some don’t give in to this “rule”, but the amount of “nice” people getting the short end of the stick can unfortunately still be seen in abundance in today’s society.

Has this happened to you? Have you seen a case of someone who is normally considered nice and respectful all of a sudden fly off the handle and tell people what they really think? It is a sight to behold, that is for sure, because one wouldn’t expect it coming from them. And that’s exactly why this situation comes as more of a shock than from someone we already know is rude and condescending.

Angel vs. Devil

Although the real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome deals with the dissociative or split personality disorder, sometimes I feel as if everyone has days where they are not their “normal” selves. The allegory of the devil/angel on the shoulder has been depicted as one’s conscience being split into two parts. The devil, of course, trying to tempt the host to choose the wrong path. And the angel, trying to steer the host into doing the right thing.

Angel and devil depicted on Kronk's shoulders.

Disney’s Kronk’s New Groove

Angel and devil depicted on Ash's shoulders from Army of Darkness.

   Army of Darkness

Angel and devil depicted on a My Little Pony character.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Choosing between the angel and devil has been a running joke in and out of the media, from Disney movies to horror/comedy films to children’s TV shows, etc. But the message is a relatable recurring battle between choosing to do the right thing, or being tempted to do the wrong thing. The scary thing is, both of these urging seems to come from within.

An interesting thing to note, is certain religions believe that there is an evil spirit residing within, and a good one, who is always with the person and prompts them to do evil or good.

Take Islam, for example. Muslims believe that each person has two companions that are constantly with them, the evil jinn (qareen) and the good angel. Both of these beings are simultaneously working on each person to either lead them into sin (the qareen’s work) or lead them to follow Allah (the God of Muslims) which is the angel’s work. These are quite literally the “devil and angel” on one’s shoulder.

Another example within religion that believes that everyone has two beings (one good/one evil) that resides within each of us is Judaism. The yetzer hatov, an angel whose influence is toward the good and is depicted on the right side, and the yetzer hara, an angel whose influence is toward sin and wickedness and who is depicted on the left side.

And that’s another thing to take into account. In a lot of religions and in the media examples I gave above, these angel and devil placements are usually always with the good inclination being on the “right side”, and the bad inclination on the “left side”.

Personal Battle with my Conscience and Inner Demon

A spooky and real tale that I’d like to relate to you all, is when I had my own inner battle with two opposing forces trying to lead me into making specific choices. I was very aware of this moment, which is why I can tell it pretty clearly.

I was at a gas station and going to withdraw some cash from the ATM. I had my 3 year old son with me at the time. As I reached the machine, before I even put my card in, I noticed 60 dollars sticking out of it that someone forgot to take.

Instantly I heard a voice inside my head say, “Woah, nice! Free 60 bucks.”

I kid you not when I say that this voice was coming from my left side.

Then, in a much quieter voice, and not condemning at all but just politely saying, I heard coming from my right side, “But it doesn’t belong to you.”

Sure enough, the voice on the left piped up and said, “Yeah, but imagine what you could do with that 60 bucks.”

I was literally listening to these two inner voices having a debate on why I should or should not take the money. I already knew what decision I was going to make, but it was fascinating to me that I could literally stand there while this inner dialogue was going on inside my head. And, to be honest, even though I knew I was going to turn the money in, I was tempted to keep it.

The “good voice” spoke up in opposition to the “bad voice”, “What if it was the last 60 dollars that the person has?”

The bad voice argued, “They couldn’t have needed it that much if they left it. Just take it. No one’s going to know.”

And again the good voice would chime in with a reason why I shouldn’t, “It’s wrong.”

I have to say, the good voice did not tell me outright to “not take it”. The good voice always came back with a reason or a statement why I shouldn’t. They did not command me to do anything. The bad voice, however, told me straight up to take the money.

Making the Right Choice

While the debate was raging on, again, I had already made up my mind to turn the money in. And I used this event as a teachable moment for my son and told him, “Uh oh. Someone left 60 dollars in the ATM machine. We need to turn this in.” So I went to the teller and turned in the 60 dollars and let them know that someone left it in the machine, so hopefully they come back for it.

Now, I knew the teller could have just pocketed the money. But I wanted to do the right thing and hoped for the benefit of the doubt that the teller would do the right thing as well. After all, they probably had security cameras around so it might be tough for them to just pocket it without getting caught. I really don’t know. But my conscience was clear and after I turned the money in, the voices went away.

It was the only clear moment I had where I could literally hear the good (right) side and the bad (left) side battle for what I should do. I found it incredible and have never forgotten that moment. And I have to remind you, the good voice was quiet. Almost inaudible. So imagine since the bad voice was so dominant, if people just don’t normally hear the good voice and so they are more prone to listening to the only voice they can hear. “Oh yeah! Taking the money does sound like a great idea! It’s a gift for being such a good person. Sweet!”

Different Online Personalities

Being behind a screen seems to offer some semblance of safety and anonymity. This relaxed, carefree attitude allows one to let go a bit of their personality, and delve into a persona that’s quite different than the one they would normally display in real life.

Take this website for instance.

On some posts, I advocate love, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, and so on. The “good” personality. The Dr. Jekyll. Polite, courteous, kind.

Then, on the other hand, while not completely off the rails as a Mr. Hyde personality, there is the cynic, sarcastic, not-so-polite trait that I sometimes embody to get certain points across in my posts. Am I cynical, sarcastic and impolite in real life? (sometimes…) But most of the time I’m learning and growing just like everybody else and trying to spread love and awareness wherever I go.

Certain posts that I make are a stark contrast to what I would like to represent in real life. (And make no mistake, once in a while I let a Mr. Hyde loose in real life as well, once I reach my certain limit. Again, of course not as drastic as the Mr. Hyde depicted in the novel.) Is this a one-off?

Nope. I make no bones about willingly continuing to showcase this other side of me. After all, I know this is not my “evil side”. It is simply a different point of view that I have that might not align perfectly with my “holy side”. And while our time here on Earth should lead us to make fewer and fewer mistakes, allowing ourselves to be human and show emotions is part and parcel to our life here as well. And I know I’m trying my best in most cases to take the high road and learn from my mistakes.

Also, these two different personalities I delve into on this website is a far cry from the characters that I used to partake in when I was younger.

Confessions of a Teenager

When I see others on the internet taking on the “troll” persona, I completely understand where they’re coming from. Before I changed from a violent, angry person into the person that I am today, I used to partake in all kinds of internet shenanigans. I’m not proud of them, but I know when to admit that I used to be just like the average troll you see today. Perhaps that’s why I can sympathize with them too.

In fact, my internet shenanigans took me from all over the place – that of a sweet, caring, innocent, cute little girl, to a brutal, sailor-mouthed, sarcastic man-hater, to a man that didn’t give two craps about anyone else. I played all kinds of different personalities and definitely let my inner Hyde out on a few unsuspecting internet users. Poor people. What they must have thought of me.

Was this just a way for me to escape realism? Was it a way for me to release steam on people that I couldn’t see and therefore did not care about them as real people with feelings? Perhaps. Perhaps I was a troubled young teen and had no direction. My parents didn’t realize I had retreated into this unusual lifestyle. And I certainly didn’t tell them about it. Was it their fault I was like this? Not in the slightest. I don’t blame them at all. It was my choice to take on this different route, and I was the one pushing others away.

The Inner Hyde Tries to Unleash

Slowly but surely, my inner Hyde was taking over my life. With or without the internet, my real life was taking me on a stroll to the dark side. What was once normal journal entries were turning into rants, rages, wishes for severe violence inflicted upon people I thought deserved it. I was filled with such hatred and vehemence, that I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I am not even sure where all this anger and animosity came from. And although I had a relatively loving family, I could feel myself turning on them and withdrawing even further into my hostility towards everyone.

The weird part of it was, I didn’t even realize how dark I was turning until a moment of clarity (divine intervention, I call it) happened while I was at work. I was in my mid-20’s at this point, slowly heading towards a dark and violent spiral. I was working in retail and had a customer that was frustrating me to no end. She kept asking me the same questions over and over and over. She wasn’t remembering anything I was telling her and I was getting so irritated with her that I was just going to simply walk away. I was getting rude, abrupt, talking to her with such condescension, and honestly was just about to leave. I kept thinking to myself, “What the hell is wrong with this lady? I’m telling her over and over again and she’s not listening! Why is she so stupid!?”

Clarification

But then, out of nowhere, certainly not my thoughts because it was so clouded with bitterness and annoyance, I heard in the back of my mind, “She has early Alzheimer’s.”

The voice was not judgemental. It was not condemning. It was not angry. It simply stated it as a matter of fact. Not rude. Not sweet. Just was. Just telling this poor, clueless, lost clerk why this lady couldn’t understand what she was being told.

I was so shocked, and immediately changed my tune, taking care of her fully this time and was patient with her until we figured the situation out. She thanked me for being so kind to her even though I was so rude to her just minutes before, which only made me feel worse, because she was a really nice lady and I couldn’t believe the way I treated her. After she left, I went to the back room, and cried.

I probably cried and sobbed for a good fifteen minutes just wondering what it was that happened to me and how I became the way I was. I was ashamed at the way I treated the lady; I was ashamed that it took a voice from an unknown being telling me the situation because I was too dense to figure it out myself. It shook me to the core. Because even though I’ve had brief experiences before that I couldn’t explain, this was my first encounter with a voice that was not my own helping me to choose the right path.

This was the catalyst that switched me from a bitter, hateful, violent person into the person I am today. Advocating for kindness, love, compassion. Believing in God and Jesus Christ. The Hyde persona was no longer bubbling up, and ever since this event, I have been on the path to try my best to be a kinder, gentler person. (Sometimes, I still fail, and I highly regret it when I do, but I use those failures as learning lessons, and try my best for next time. That’s all we can do. And I believe the best life we can live is one in which we’re just trying to do better. Trying to love each other unconditionally. Trying to not let the dark side win.)

Which Side Will You Choose?

Inside of each person there is bound to be 2 different sides. The question is, do we know this, and do we know when to reign it in? Of course, if it is really the “jinn” or the “yetzer hara”, we won’t want it to even peak it’s way through. This side of us should be addressed as a part of us that we know exists, but that we should consciously learn to seek the good voice above all else. Suppressing these thoughts may be too hard, so I believe the best way to approach these situations is recognizing it when it happens, and knowing the correct path to take (and choosing it, of course).

If we allow ourselves, I think we truly can reach that part that wants the best for ourselves. Call it the Higher Self or the Soul or what have you. Are most of us ignoring this inner voice? Can we determine what’s in our best interest or what’s simply persuading us to make bad choices? When we can learn to be discerning and reign in our darker impulses, the choice to the right path becomes clearer.

All of us have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde inside. The key is acknowledging this and making the conscious decision to let the good one shine.

Featured image by Chetan Dhongade from Pixabay

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